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You Know You Are A Magician If .....


- when your family wants to play cards and you spend half an hour going thru all your decks of cards looking for a full deck
- when your family asks you to eat with your fingers on Christmas dinner, in order to keep the silverware in their original shape
- if a gimmick isn't something an infomercial does to try to get you to buy something
- if the first thing you do when trying on a new suit or sports coat is to see if the outside coat pockets are sewn shut and then secondly to try to figure out if they really are pockets at all without ripping them open.
- If you've spent more then $10 for a penny.
- If you've ever said, "Honey, have you seen my invisible (thread, deck, etc... ) ?
- If you've ever had a black eye because you did the bra trick to the wrong mans woman
- when you are showing your four year old brother a color change, make a mistake, and then he says "Thats not how it's done!"
- you take long looks at a girl trying to figure out what size box she will fit in.
- when you think to yourself "man, this song would go great with this illusion"
- when you've watched the Copperfield Illusions DVD over a million times using slow motion and zooming in to a "find a clue"
- you take out a deck of cards and all your friends run out of the room, screaming.
- You do false shuffles when you really need to shuffle just because they "look cool"
- You think nothing of pulling a deck of cards out of your pocket
- You will watch a 30 minute-1 hour TV show to see 10 seconds of magic
- You know you're a magician when you hear someone mention terms like "steal", "pass", "force", "manipulation", "ambitious", "palm", etc. and your mind suddenly conjures up totally different images
- National alterations in bill and coin designs drastically affect your career
- You actually think people believe you when you say that snapping your fingers is what's causing the magic to happen
- Your list of favorite books include names like Bannon and Harris instead of Hemingway and Steinbeck
- You have more paperclips, rubber bands, and manila envelopes in your closet than any office supply store
- When you search 20 old decks for an extra 4 of hearts and none of them have one
- you look forward to traffic jams as it gives you time to practice
- you make money tricking people, and they know your doing it
- you can 'steal' without breaking the law
- when the Matrix you keep thinking of isn't about that Keanu Reeves' movie
- when you reach in your pockets for your car keys and three sponge balls fall onto the parking lot and you look like an idiot as the wind blows and you are chasing them all over the place
- You spend more time in front of a mirror than your wife does
- You spend $40 to learn how to make $1 disappear
- You produce the waitresses' tip form behind her ear
- You watch intently whenever there's someone playing cards in a film, just to see if they're using a Bicycle deck
- you are the only one of your male friends that have a "silk collection"
- you just bought more toys at the dollar store than your kids, because of a trick you plan on making
- you always walk around with three different decks of cards in your pockets because each one is set up for a different trick
- you pull the four aces out of the deck ... only to lose them back into the deck ... just so you can find them again
- you refer to everyday objects as "ordinary"
- you refer to handkerchief as "silks"
- you introduce your wife as "My assistant"
- you have half dollars in your house that you acquired on purpose
- seated at a restaurant you survey the table for "props"
- you have never been to the insane asylum, yet you own a straight jacket
- no one will play cards with you, ever
- you paid $25.00 for a quarter
- you are playing cards with the guys and when someone asks you to shuffle the deck you get a blank look on your face and ask "You mean a real shuffle ? "
- then you have to think really hard to remember how to do a real shuffle
- you find yourself inexplicably compelled to inform that professional magician whose show you just saw that you are a magician too
- you back palm your movie ticket and produce it out of thin air
- you just bought more toys at the dollar store than your kids because of a trick you plan on making
- you are the only one that can have fun with a Blank Deck
- you refer to handkerchief as "silks"
- every coin you receive gets "accidentally" palmed
- You ask strangers if they have lost a red penknife 
- You ask people eating a meal would you like to see a miracle ?
- Can I ask for the help of a person in the front row ?
- Pick a card, any card !
- Oh,dear, I seem to have burnt your money
- You are the only one driving to work while practicing palming quarters
- You always walk around with 3 different decks of cards in your
pocket because each one is set up for a different trick
- You pull the 4 Aces out of a deck, only to lose them in a shuffled deck
just so you can find them again
- You don't just spread the 4 cards you "found "in a deck, instead
you count them
- You refer to everyday objects as "ordinary"
- You can have a heated debate whether Dai is pronounced "Dai" or "Die"
- You have more than a dozen opened card decks and cartons
of unopened "back up "decks.
- You have ten retorts for the question: "How did you do that ?"
-You think it is normal that the oldest deck of cards in your possession is only a week old and you are almost ready to toss it out
- You have coins and cards within easy reach when you are on the john
- You are willing to pay $15 to learn how to make $1 disappear
- You are the only person bothered by how someone else shuffles a deck of cards
- You will buy 2 copies of the same newspaper and not read either one
- If you always keep an extra egg in your pocket
- If you pay extra for dry cleaning because of the pockets you have
- If you are stranded on an island and all you can producing are rabbits to eat
- If the airport screener at the airport need 2 hours to check you out
- If the photo in your press kit does not look like you
- If you look back on your life and 80% of your time was used to fold
silks for a silk fountain

- You keep loosing assistants by cutting them in half
- Sitting in Harry Potter movie just to copy down the routines
- You have 45 decks of cards at home and you can't play a game with any of them
- Kids stop you on the street and say, "show me a trick !"
- You think the general public knows who David Blaine and David Copperfield are
- You have business cards printed with the word "great" on them.
- Ask the spectator for the "clean" hand.
- Your thumb looks discolored, or extra long.
- You call colored pieces of cloth, "silks."
- You spend a lot of your free time in hardware or discount stores
- You have imaginary lint in your pockets, and refer to it as "woofle dust"
- Your wife constantly asks you when you're going to put all that junk away
- You have drawers full of stuff that you don't even remember you still had
- You can't stand to have someone say, "I know how you did that"
- You feel you could do a better job than the guy who is performing on TV
- You go by a name that ends in "ini"
- When you're fooled by a trick you say, "Oh.. that old thing"
- You just bought a new trick and when putting it away in "that" drawer, you discover the same trick already there
- It matters to you how someone shuffles your deck
- You have a business card printed with the word "magician" under your name
- You actually want to go to a lecture
- A "shell" is not something found on a beach
- A "half" can only mean a coin that no one else in the world uses
- You're happy when you get a half dollar in your change

 

Q: How do you get the magician off of your doorstep ?
A: Pay for the pizza.
 

Q: What is the difference between a magician and a large pepperoni pizza ?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What is the difference between a magician and
a trampoline ?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

 

When I was eight years old, I told my mom,
"I want to be a magician when I grow up !"
She just looked at me and said, "Make up your mind, son,
you know you can't do both."
 

Q: What is the difference between a savings bond and
a magician ?
A: One of them eventually matures and makes some money.

Q: What does a magician use to clean his bathroom ?
A: Vanish

Q: What is the magician's favorite brand of soap ?
A: Dove

Q: How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None! Everyone knows the assistant does the work !

Did you hear about the magician who kept falling off stage ?
He couldn't keep his trap shut.

 

A magician went to the vet and told him that his rabbit did not look well.  The vet said that he would examine it, so the magician produced the rabbit from his empty top hat, and placed it onto the table.  The vet examined the rabbit and then said "Your rabbit is dead !"  The magician was shocked and replied "It can't be, it was running about the hutch this morning. I want a second opinion !"
The vet went to the door and whistled to his dog. A large labrador ran into the room and the vet told him to jump up onto the table. The dog did as commanded, saw the rabbit lying there, took one sniff at it and promptly jumped back down  to the floor and lay down.
The vet said "There you are, if the rabbit was alive, the dog would be chasing it all round the room, it is dead !"
The magician still refused to believe the vet and demanded a third opinion, so the vet then went to a back room and returned carrying a ginger tabby cat in his arms. He placed the cat on the table beside the rabbit. The cat took one look at the rabbit and immediately curled up and went to sleep !
The vet said "That confirms it,  Had your rabbit been alive, my cat would have fought with it and ripped it apart with his sharp claws. It is definitely dead !"
The magician answered "OK, I believe you now,
how much do I owe you ?"
The vet replied "$325"
The shocked magician asked why it was so expensive and the vet replied,
"Well, had you taken my first opinion, it would only have cost you $25, but now you also will have to pay for the lab report and the cat scan !"

I said, "Could you hire a magician like me?"
She said, "Yes, if he isn't too much like you."

 

Harry Potter walks into a bar. His pet Rat Scabbers jumps up on the bar, lights up a smelly cigar and blows the smoke into everyone's face. This goes on all night. Cigar after cigar, smelly smoke in the patron's faces.  The bartender complains, and asks Harry to get him to stop, Harry replies "What do you expect me to do? Pull a habit out of a rat ?"

A groaner of a pun! Beware however: Never tell that joke in public as written - and never perform a "Harry Potter" show without better knowledge of the books. Harry Potter does NOT have a pet rat named Scabbers - Scabbers belongs to Harry's friend Ron Weasley ! Potter fans DO know the difference!